Sanctuary and Stewardship
by Raif

As I was preparing to write this newsletter piece on the topic of "Sanctuary & Stewardship", I came across this quote from J. Krishnamurti, "Only in relationship can you know yourself, not in abstraction and certainly not in isolation. The movement of behavior is the sure guide to yourself, it's the mirror of your consciousness; this mirror will reveal its content, the images, the attachments, the fears, the loneliness, the joy and sorrow. Poverty lies in running away from this either in its sublimations or its identities."

This quote reminded me that for most of my life I have been impoverished. I chose to be in isolation, not in relationship. I chose to hold lofty ideals and ego identifications of myself, but never really allowed the mirror of others to see what I was really about. I chose to be a hermit, due more to the foolishness of fear, rather than the wisdom of introspection. As I grew up in my family, I came to believe that if I was honest, it usually begot a put-down, a reproach, and sometimes a slap, so I closed down to showing who I was and what I believed. I believed, also, that the interests of most other men were so very different from mine, that if I tried to communicate with them about them, I would be judged as odd or stupid, and most likely avoided, and possibly beaten or worse. So for nearly twenty years, I avoided relationships; and yet I ached to be in them, to escape the loneliness and to find love.

Only in the last twelve years, the bulk of which was spent living in Provincetown, Massachusetts, did I come to be in a great number of profound relationships. I recognized -- in that town of tourist servers, artists, healers, fishermen, gay, lesbian, straight, queer, transsexual, transgender, extremely rich to extremely poor -- that a very oft spoke but unique reality concept existed: the attitude of "live and let live." Little by little, I felt safer to dress as I chose, to hold hands with and kiss men on the streets, to test my creativity in new and diverse forms, to focus my work and aspirations toward esoteric healing practices and the divine mystery of life. I took the chances to step onto stage to sing, dance, and act; to step into the Unitarian/Universalist Meeting House pulpit to speak and even perform same sex union ceremonies as a U.U. chaplain. P-town has been one of the few places where I really felt safe to be on the streets at any time of the day or night, and be real, not hidden. My ability to be in relationships dramatically intensified. Love, friend, work, and spirit seeking relationships became reality, expanding my insight into myself, and providing great healing. Provincetown was a refuge for me, a sanctuary, a place to feel safe enough to expand my visions and use them as mirrors for my consciousness.

And yet, P-town also never felt spiritually focused enough for me, and many old issues clouded my ability to be honestly and authentically myself, so I continued to seek other sanctuaries, to look for safe spaces that offered opportunities to transform insecurity into trust, freedom, and peace. I explored several ashrams, some healing institutions, a couple of Zen temples, and shared many friends' personal sanctuaries -- I to theirs and them to mine. It has been a great lesson for me on creating and allowing sacred space, and one I carry with me wherever I go.

At most of the larger, organized sanctuaries, I found a great degree of safety and expansion for myself. The people were often the most loving, open, and compassionate that I had ever met. The facilities were generally extremely peaceful, calm oases with rituals and practices that deepened my sense of trust, love and understanding. The teachings were often profound and transcendent. And yet one belief often chimed in to color my concept of them as sanctuaries for me, and that belief was that most of the sanctuaries' religious underpinnings did not allow gays and lesbians to be equal participants in the experience. At some places, homosexuality was considered wrong. Sometimes I was told to dress less flamboyantly, to not be so openly affectionate, and to hide any attractions or else leave. At one place, an ashram with vows of celibacy, I was asked to not associate with women (except on business or spiritual practice matters), because they did not want women's sexual issues to be aroused and any temptations to break their vows, to occur. But because I was gay, they also asked me to avoid other gay men and any attractive straight men, to keep me from temptation. This did not make for a feeling of safety and expansion on my part. So I felt like I was living a façade, was not totally real, and not allowed to be totally real. A teaching that I remember from a long time ago comes to me now. That first, we, as humans, must find and define our ego selves before we are able to release our restricting definitions and become connected to all that is. To me, this statement says that I want sanctuaries to allow me to define myself, through safe and encouraged exploration, and then I will make the choices of what to keep and what to release. Thus I learned that sanctuary is a state of mind. And my mind could not find sanctuary in some of the beliefs they chose to hold, even though the sanctuary of the place was real and often allowed me the chance to discuss openly all of these issues, and still find a great amount of love and acceptance.

So now I find myself at ZMS. I have been here for over two months and just five weeks ago voiced my intention to be a steward when an opening magically occurred. I am taking part in the everyday living, working, playing, laughing, being, and trying to find my balance. My back has gone out a number of times in the last three weeks from squatting movements of certain work, and this is pulling up all kinds of old fears about my worth and my abilities, and my likeableness. I move in and out of relationships, opening and closing and opening and closing. I find a comfort and peace from the land. I find a great deal of support from my fellow stewards, sometimes trusting it and sometimes not. It is an amazing mirror for me, this life at ZMS, watching the movements of energy, going deeper within myself, finding and honoring my voice , releasing what no longer serves, tending the garden of my soul as I tend the physical garden of ZMS. I know my sanctuary will deepen here, and my stewardship grow stronger. And the raison d'être for my stewardship is to help keep this land a sacred space for like minded Faerie folk; a place for rest, renewal, and regeneration. And mostly, I get to become a clearer steward of myself, via relationship mirrors in a community of intentional living.

Goddess Bless

All my mirrors

Raif